im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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