Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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