I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
