headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
