in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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