Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
