oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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