I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You've changed since you got that strap on
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
