You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
