Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
