he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
