I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
