guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
