why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Randomize
