god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
