How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
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Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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