Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize