My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
