I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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