I just threw up on my dentist
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
