Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
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It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
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I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.