I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
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Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
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I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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