I will die if light touches me.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
