My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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