I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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