i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
