Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
