I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
