My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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