Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
And then the night went full on bisexual.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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