My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
