I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
