either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
