you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
