I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
