You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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