My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
My vagina is very pro this idea
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize