my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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