Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I enjoy the company of your penis
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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