My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
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After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
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I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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