they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
