So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
