Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
