I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
