i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
