i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
