I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize