i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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