I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
