I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
