He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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