I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
