At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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