Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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