You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
