Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
