The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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