so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
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She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
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I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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