we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
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I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
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I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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