she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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