i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
