those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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