you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He? As in you personified your dick?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
