Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
