currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
